


INVADER KAR AND THE DOOMTACULAR DOOMPOCALYPSE

by Broba



Category: Homestuck, Invader Zim
Genre: Comedy, Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-21
Updated: 2012-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-31 13:32:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/344586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broba/pseuds/Broba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yeah that's right, I did it. It's exactly what it sounds like.</p><p>I think I can safely say, this was one of the funnest prompts I ever filled!</p>
            </blockquote>





	INVADER KAR AND THE DOOMTACULAR DOOMPOCALYPSE

The school reverberated under the doom-tones of the siren indicating the day was beginning. The children filed into their class with slow shuffling gaits and the muted grunts of the well-herded, seating themselves in the government allotted positions. The teacher, one Miss Bitters, flowed into the room like a vaporous mist of pure tenebrous evil and seized up the register, glaring into the souls of every child with pure malice.  
  
"Welcome to another day of education and wonder," she mouthed, leering with ironic detachment, "silence!"  
  
She took the register in good order, verifying the name and numeric assignation of each child to her satisfaction.  
  
"Now children," she sneered, "I have a terrible surprise for you. A reserve student has been transferred here from another district." In the far corner of the room, wreathed in shadow, a figure looked up.  
"I am sure you will extend every courtesy to our new classmate who is called," she paused and glanced at a paper, squinting at the letters, "Kar-"  
"I AM HE!"  
  
The door to the classroom exploded inwards and a short child stood in the entrance, his pointy fists planted steadfastly at his hips, he grinned evilly and goose-stepped into the room, tiny cuban heels rapping on the tiles. He had a grey pallor, and rigid pompadour hair which looked like it had been stapled to his head. He stamped up to the teacher's desk and hopped up to address the class from his makeshift haranguing podium.  
  
"MISERABLE FLESH HUSKS!" He screamed, before dropping his voice precipitously to hiss, "I am Kaaaaaaaaar! YOU WILL REMEMBER IT WELL FOR THIS NAME SHALL BE INSCRIBED ON YOUR HUMAN-BRAINS IN LETTERS OF FIRE!"  
  
He hopped down, shaking his fist at the entire room at once, hissing "Kaaaaaaaaaaar!"  
"Thank you Kar," said Miss Bitters, already thinking about the quart of gin in her desk, "please take the next available desk. I believe it is that one in the back, next to-"  
  
Jon glared at the newcomer, his glasses glinting suspiciously in the quasi-gloom of his corner. Kar goose-stepped to the next desk along and grinned at him savagely, showing rows of perfectly triangular teeth, and intoning "I am KAAAAAR!" at him once more for good measure.  
"Jon," said Jon suspiciously, "pleased to meet you."  
"STINKING HUMAN SCUMFORM," shrieked Kar, "the PLEASURE.... is MINE! MINE you hear MEEEE?"  
Jon groaned. The day would go on in this manner.  
  
The day only got weirder. Kar was perfectly able to keep up with the lessons, while at the same time entirely unable to grasp basic concepts. When the other students raised a hand to ask a question, he would leap onto his desk and scream at them for trying to upstage him. When the class discussion moved onto government and politics, every time a student would answer a question about who was running which branch and the separation of powers Kar would keep hissing "For Now," and cackle darkly.  
  
Jon found himself feeling the old itch again. The temptation... to investigate. He thought he had got over it, he had worked hard and tried to push all thoughts of unmasking the secret paranormal world lurking beneath the everyday out of his large head. He wiped off his glasses, suddenly becoming steamed, and replaced them to find Kar staring at him with an expression both quizzical and intensely aggressive at once. He had noticed Jon watching him. Jon quickly turned back to face the front, just in time to lose hearing in one ear as Kar took a flying swan-dive off the handle over some minuscule perceived point of contention in the subject being discussed.  
  
Kar began to itch suddenly, scratching at the skin around his eyes feverishly. He stuck a fist in the air and demanded that everything in the classroom be held while he attended A PERSONAL MATTER in the bathroom. Miss Bitters reasoned that the class would continue, and if he hurried then he wouldn't miss much. Kar deemed this unacceptable. Miss Bitters threw a chair at him, and a compromise was reached. Kar goose-stepped out of the classroom in the direction of the nearest toilet.  
  
Jon took the opportunity to prod the girl in front of him with a ruler, the universal code to signal that he needed a conference. His vice-best friend turned around to look at him, sighing, "what is it, Jon?"  
"Jād!" Said Jon, for it was she, "do you notice anything... unusual about the new student?"  
"Unusual?" She pondered this for a moment, "he's unusually dreamy!"  
"Jād!"  
"What! It's true, I mean no offence Jon but look at that hair! The way he commands the room, that stern stare-" she patted her hands to her cheeks, suddenly flustered, "I think he's just dandy!"  
"Well I think something is going on," said Jon darkly, "something... weird."  
"Oh no! No Jon please not again! You're past all this!"  
"I might be done with the weird," said Jon, "but the weird isn't done with me yet."  
She clapped her hands together once daintily and then laid her hands down. "I'm done."  
"What? What?!"  
"I'm telling you right now, before this even turns into a thing, that I'm done with it."  
"Jād!"  
"I mean it Jon, this isn't good for you!"  
"You don't know what I need! None of you do! It's all happening, it's happening right now and you're blind!" He was walked away from her backwards now, down the aisle of desks, "blind! You can't see the weird, but I see! I'll show you all! You'll all be sorry!" He turned to face the bemused Miss Bitters, "may I be excused, I need to take a personal moment, ma'am."  
"I think you better had do," she replied dryly, "do you have some... pills or something?"  
"No!"  
"My advice? Get some."  
  
Kar kicked open the door to the boy's toilets and screamed "FLEE!"  
  
A couple of kids who had been finishing up their own business quickly left under his stern and judgemental glare. Kar ran to the sinks and rubbed his face, clawing at his eyes. It was no good, the lenses were starting to itch, hard enough to burn. He screeched and gripped the false eye-covers, yanking them off to reveal the bright yellow alien eyes hidden beneath, before blinking rapidly in relief.  
  
"RELIEVING!" He shrieked.  
  
The lenses would need adjusting. The harsh Earth sun hurt his eyes terribly, but lenses of sufficient thickness to protect him hurt too. He thumbed his watch and yelled into it.  
  
"MEMO! Need to develop BETTER LENSES, this must be done by TOMORROW!" He paused, clucking his tongue thoughtfully as he contemplated. "ALSO," he yelled, "one packet of EXTRA TACO, PLUS three packages of EARTH PIG STRIPS and an entire box of SICKENING Earth-bread, tonight we feed on sandwichessss. I HAVE SPOKEN."  
"Alien fiend!" The cry came from behind him. Spinning, Kar was confronted by Jon, one arm outstretched with accusing finger a-quiver, "I knew it! Actually, this was relatively low down on the list of theories but we're still talking top ten!"  
"YES EARTH FILTH!" Screeched Kar, posing, "LOOK UPON THE TRUE FACE OF YOUR soon to be OVERLOOOOOORD! It means NOTHING, because you will never leave here ALI- what's that?"  
  
Jon pulled out his phone and held it up, taking a picture with a bright flash. Kar screamed in pain and clutched at his sensitive eyes, when his vision cleared Jon had fled with a victorious cry. Kar thumbed his watch and activated the communicator circuit.  
  
"I need the Voot Cruiser! QUICKLY!"  
"Yeeeeeee!" A high pitched squeal came back from the other end, "I'm makin' waffles!"  
"GAM THIS ISN'T THE TIME!"  
"Awww nooo, you said it could be waffles time!"  
"I only said that to make you SHUT UP about the PIES!"  
"PIES! Yeeeeeeee!"  
"GAM!"  
"YES SIR! On mah way now sir! Where you at boss?"  
"Just instruct the Voot Cruiser to SEEK MEEEEE, we have to find and capture a DISGUSTING human agent, it has seen my TRUE FORM!"  
"Right on boss! Be right there!"  
"EXCELLENT! I will proceed on foot, pick me up IMMEDIATELY when you arrive!"  
"We gonn' party BALLS!"  
"Yessss," said Kar, his shoulders heaving as he let out a terrifying death cackle, "ALL the balls!"  
  
Jon skidded down the deserted hallway, wailing and waving his arms maniacally. He was talking to himself the entire time, the weird had gotten to him again. He raced past a row of lockers and paused to tug on the fire alarm, reasoning that it would be best to evacuate the entire building. The automated fire siren sounded, vivid red flashing lights and klaxons emerged from hidden panelling in every wall. Behind him, Kar raced out of the toilet, having re-affixed his eyes, in time for the alarms.  
  
"Stinking HUMAN SCUM!" He roared as the warning alerts went off, "They've found me!"  
  
Jon crashed through the main doors and into the parking lot amid a stream of hotting shrieking fellow inmates of the school who were all to eager to get outside. He made his way to the roadway and started running. Turning, he caught a flash of grey in his peripheral vision and chocked back a scream. The alien was after him. Jon vaulted over a hydrant and sped across a busy intersection, narrowly avoiding a squishy traffic related doom.  
  
Kar slapped the control on his chest hidden under his clothing and his ridiculous human-scum back pack exploded in a cloud of fibres, revealing the shining metal carapace of his warpod. The device split along a ventral seam and six slender legs emerged, extending and unfolding to easily lift his small form into the air. He skitted across the road, stomping through a windshield and battering a scooter to one side as he scuttled spider-fashion after his prey.  
  
"Your pathetic human defences are WEAK! You will DIE before revealing the secret-" he paused, rearing up on the hindmost legs of his pod to raise his tiny fists to the heavens, "-of KAAAAAAR!"  
  
Around him traffic had pulled to a standstill and people were watching impatiently. He noticed the crowd and shrieked, "you see NOTHINGGGG!" Before racing away, all the while screaming his own name repeatedly.  
  
Jon flipped over a garden fence, leapt onto a lawn trampoline and somersaulted into the next allotment. He hopped over a snarling dog, up onto it's house, leapt into the air to grab onto a rotary clothes dryer and swing around in a wide arc to throw himself over the next fence. He rolled into the impact as he landed and sped into the street. Behind him Kar was catching up, he had produced some kind of terrifying alien ray weapon and was liberally blasting his way through picket fences and bushes in a trail of destruction. Jon was now sobbing for breath, falling over his gangling legs and tripping every other step. He raced into the open carport of a familiar house- the residence of his closest friend.  
  
"You got to, got to help!" He yelled, hammering on the door into the house, "they're coming! They've found me! It's the end, the end! We have to go!"  
  
The door was yanked open, Jon looked up into the stony countenance of his best friend's guardian.  
  
"Mister Strider! You have to help me!" He squawked.  
"Dav ain't here little man," he replied, "he's at school." He frowned, "school is today right? That's a thing for you little guys right?"  
"Aliens! Mister Strider they're here! They're coming right now!"  
"Hey-hey, come on now," he made calming gestures, looking around a little nervously in case the neighbours might be watching. "You're getting hell of upset about this, are you sure it's not a mild case of the crazies again?"  
"You call THIS crazy?" Jon held up his phone, showing the picture he had taken before. There was Kar, wide-eyed and looking somewhat less then human, "it's happening, it's happening right now!"  
Mister Strider nodded grimly, "You were right to show me this, Agent Mothman, clearly you have stumbled upon something big!"  
"And it's after me right now! We have to get out of here!"  
  
Across the street Kar came into view on his warpod legs, unleashing lightning bolts from his gun indiscriminately. Jon shrieked and Mister Strider put a retraining hand on his shoulder. "Get in the car Agent Mothman, we're bugging out."  
"Thank you Agent Bro!"  
  
Kar pulled into the middle of the street, the damnable Earth dog-beast was yapping at his metal ankles and he was having difficulty lining up a shot, "Sickening creature! Prepare to meet your DOOM at the angry hands of KAAAAAR!"  
  
Suddenly across the street the wide garage doors were blown off a port by emergency explosive bolts and a glossy black 1979 Ford Falcon screamed into the road, Kar had only enough time to catch a glimpse of glasses glinting in the passenger window and it was accelerating away at a rate far beyond street-legal. He immediately set off in pursuit screeching a blood curdling war cry all the way.  
  
Agent Bro swerved onto the elevated roadway into the core of the city, scudding across two lanes of traffic in a gout of rubber smoke. He stomped on the gas and Jon felt the world elongate slightly as he was driven back into the real leather bucket seats with a creak, he was sure he could feel teeth loosening.  
  
"A-agent  Bro! Are you sure this is safe?"  
"Absolutely unsure, Mothman! This is probably a horrible idea, yo!"  
"Just making sure!"  
  
Jon noticed that all of the numbers on the speedometer had been carefully painted over in black varnish, and somebody had delicately replaced them all with the word "YES" repeatedly, curving over the needle..  
  
Behind them Kar was racing just to keep up, he was leaping on his spider-legs from vehicle to vehicle, in the wing mirror Jon saw him work his way along the side of an articulated semi truck behind them.  
  
"He's gaining on us!"  
"There's a grenade launcher under the seat!"  
"You've got to be kidding me! I'm thirteen!"  
"Uh, yeah well I meant that in a kidding way, yeah." Bro cursed under his breath and turned the car directly into oncoming traffic, breaking through the meridian with a mighty crash that sent the car into the air. They landed and immediately had to swerve to avoid oncoming vehicles that hooted madly in alarm. Behind them Kar tried to follow, but found himself now leaping onto cars moving in the wrong direction which bought them precious moments.  
  
They screeched across town onto the interstate proper which bisected it and Bro could give the engine full head. The car roared like an enormous angry bee and they surged into the mass of traffic. Bro expertly weaved in and out between the cars, and Jon screamed mostly. Kar was not far behind, and could make up for in mobility what he lacked in speed, racing around obstacles and clawing his way around and under the elevated roadway to chase them. He leapt onto a cop car, shattering the lights and was away into the air before they knew what hit them. He sped on madly clattering metal legs across lanes of traffic, underneath the high middle section of a goods truck and up a spiralling concrete overpass, leaping into the air from the top and landing with a triumphant snarl directly on the hood of Bro's car. He scratched ineffectually at the windshield.  
"Drop your forcefield pathetic HUMAN SCUM! So I can KILL YOU!"  
Bro hit the windshield wipers and squirted him in the face, he reared back and rubbed madly at his face as his skin began to steam, "IT BURNS!"  
"Agent Bro, was that acid or something?" Gasped Jon.  
"No, just water, I guess he's allergic?"  
Too late to think on it further, Kar began hammering on the windshield with the butt of his gun as they flew through the midtown traffic, suddenly he realised what he was holding and rose up on his spider-legs, levelling the ray gun at them with a snarl.  
"HUMANS!" He announced, "prepare to-"  
"PARTY BALLS!" Suddenly Kar was seized about the waist by a flexible metal appendage and wrenched backwards into the air roughly, toward a waiting globular purple craft. The expansive cockpit hood was retracted and a tiny silver robot with horns as long as he was tall was stabbing at the controls madly. Kar struggled widely in the tentacular grip of the manipulator but it was no good, and he was dumped unceremoniously in the cockpit.  
"YEAHHHH boss! Picked you up!"  
"GAM YOU IDIOT," screeched Kar, "plucked from my moment of victoryyy! VICTORYYY!"  
"YEAH!" Yelled GAM, leaping up onto the dashboard and throwing up double fisted birds at the car below, "suck on my fat one, humans! Now waffle time! Now KISS!"  
  
Kar lowered the cockpit shield, the ship was still effectively flying backwards, facing their prey below, he seized the stick and righted them, only in time to see the road curving ahead of them, and where there had been open space there was now a wide billboard for Mind Maid Honey approaching them rapidly, the furry yellow mascot of the brand seemed to leer at them in insectile glee.  
"An ENORMOUS ANGRY BEE!" Screamed Kar, just before they hit.  
  
 The Voot Cruiser tumbled through the air, trailing black smog behind it as they lost control and plowed into the earth, gouging out a wide furrow through a field of cabbage. Bro wrestled with the car and brought them to a stop nearby on the side of the road, looking down on the devastation beneath. Jon immediately got out and ran to the roadside barrier, gazing into the distance. Agent Bro got out calmly and sauntered up beside him, lighting a cigarette.  
  
"We did it!" Squeaked Jon, "I don't believe it!"  
"Believe it Agent Mothman," said Bro gravely, "we may have saved the world tonight."  
"YEAH! You hear that you dumb big headed stupid eyeballs alien! We beat you!" Jon waved a fist at the cabbage field.  
"Perhaps," said Bro, "perhaps not, but we must be on guard. This may well have been only the first battle of a war." He pauses to draw from his cigarette, "yo."  
"Please tell me I can tell Dav all about this! He'll go nuts!"  
"NO! No Agent Mothman, you know you are sworn to secrecy, our work is too important! Dav will have to go on believing whatever he wants to, our work must stay secret for now."  
"But he believes I'm a complete derp!"  
"Your disguise is hella good, that's true."  
"Uh, yeah. Well the most important thing is, the alien threat has been countered! This planet will not go down without a fight!"  
"Not while there are double-hard super badasses like us around, Agent Mothman."  
"You said it, Agent Bro. Come on, I feel like grabbing waffles now for some reason."  
  
In the cabbage field, at the base of a wide trough carved by the crashing and now upside down Voot Cruiser, GAM started to squeal excitedly.  
"Waffles! I heard waffles!"  
"GAM," said Kar carefully as he extricated himself from the crash webbing, "I hate you. So much do I hate you. I hate you more then I hate humans. Except for the stinking JON HUMAN. I HATE HIM I HATE HIM SO MUCH HE MAKES YOU LOOK PRETTY TOLERABLE BY COMPARISON!"  
"Awww you love me boss. You love meeeeeeeee!"

 

(art by ME! BROBA!)


End file.
